BACK to Confusion

I never thought I would be faced with so much heart wrenching decisions as I do now.  I grew up thinking who you are going to marry and where you will start a family is a hard decision to make. And Should I buy Tide or All?  What should I make for dinner?  Can we afford vacation?  Can we afford this house?  But I go above the thoughts I grew up to think were going to be hard.  I have to decide what is best for my son.  I have to choose surgeons.  I have to choose surgeries.  I have to choose what would make the best quality of life for my son.  Not to mention I have to make these MAJOR life threatening decisions with different opinions thrown at me from all angles.

Santana had an appointment with his Physical medicine and Rehab doctor.  WHOM WROTE  AN RX FOR VALIUM… agreeing it was RIDICULES that his doctor wouldn’t give him anything for pain.  But that is neither here nor there.  She HIGHLY suggests the spine surgery too but she made the best point about it.  FIRST… let me say… 6 months ago I really wanted because Pulmonary said his lungs are shifted and his heart and he can’t expand his lungs.  I tell ortho this but he said NOOOOO.  Then a few weeks ago when I decided I did NOT want spinal surgery because of what therapists and chiropractors have been telling me. Not to mention the gruesome youtube video I saw.  Then the last appointment when I begged for hips, he wanted to do spine.  URGH!   No one wants what I want!  So back to today.  The point she made is if his lungs get too compromised he will never be able to have surgery because it would be too hard on him and now is the time to do it so that we can open his chest wall more so he can breath better.

Oh God oh God!  I don’t know what to do and I need directions from the one and only voice that truly matters.  I write this in tears because this is a HUGE decision!  I don’t know how to face it.  I really don’t know what is right in this situation.  God show me what is best for Santana.  Please!!!!  Take away all other voices.  I ache to know some truth in what is going on in his life.  Days like this I just want to walk away from it.  HELP ME!